2025-02-03
January
Long time, no post, eh? How are you all doing? Same old, same old? A new beam of light shining into your life? Has the snow drifted through your door?
This is a bit of a catch-up post, a post-writchal24 post, and a closing doors-left-open post. I didn't end WritChal24 gracefully, in my opinion. There are a handful of posts still to be uploaded (a secret santa author swap that will prove to be the final entry on the page and a couple of N a day November posts that never made it up. I think there's another missing post somewhere, too). This will cleaned up before long, as I finish those last drafts and leave writchal to its peace. I liked writchal and the idealism behind it, but my passion for it slipped during the second half of the year (for no fault of its own). I'd like to return to the dedication towards writing some amount per time period, but I don't think that will happen quite yet.
Lately,
I have been thinking about how I want to live1. I've been caught up in the job search (getting a few bites but no catches, yet) and dissolving into the horrors of trying to appeal enough to an employer that I'll at least get a call-back. The holidays and visits from my lover and friends brought a welcome reprieve to this and a much needed change in view. At the centre of it all, I feel, was an unasked question:
How present do I want to be?
The call of checking out is unyielding. It beckons, the siren's call of screen time and distraction, music drowning out my thoughts and the internet consuming my brain. And as I've been doing poorly, it's been hard to resist. I can hardly recall most of my trip to Australia in September. I know it happened, that I spent time in my lover's arms, found joy amongst my friends, and went on adventures aplenty. But it still feels distant and fuzzy, like jello being squeezed through my fingers. Needless to say, I don't like this. I hate being unable to remember this time (among others). I cherish my memories. It's scary and upsetting, on a primordial level.
Spending time with friends has offered a different path. It starts small: putting down my phone while I'm on public transport or walking (it was already a tripping hazard) and paying closer attention to my surroundings. I love my transit spreadsheet (Transit Wrapped 2024 coming soon™), but it is easy to get blackholed into The Device while I'm on the train. I'm putting a conscious effort towards resisting that and more to being human: sharing a glance with those around me, knowing to give someone my seat, listening to the sounds of others living, existing, and dreaming. This, among other things, is a helpful reality check. I have control over myself and my actions, over my time and how I spend it.
Why not use it?